i always wondered what it would be like to marry josh when i first started dating him. two and a half years ago now, how weird. somehow, i had this fantasy life all mapped out to the nines in my head about the kind of people we would be, the kind of house we would live in, whether or not we would buy furniture from IKEA or from target. i dont trouble myself with those kinds of daydreams anymore, not because its not fun or not because i dont still occasionally think about them, but mainly because i always get the feeling that its just not going to happen. he makes it clear to me in all the ways that i see, but he doesn't.
like tonight, for instance we got into a fight about this random girl who feels the need to tell him everything about her sex life, who texts at random hours and who, for all intents and purposes, is the complete fucking bane of my existence. its not like i meant it seriously when i asked him to choose me over his friendship with her, so imagine my surprise when he said that he would never choose and the second someone did, he would walk away. of course, i escalated things by being completely passive aggressive for the next ten minutes i spent chainsmoking his cigarettes but thats not really the point. the point is, if he cant imagine giving up things for my sake, for my comfort and for my own peace of mind, how can i expect him to be a good husband or father or even just a decent boyfriend for the next however many years we have together? what does it even matter? if he wont go there, then i sure as hell am not going to. im washing my hands of all of the hopes and wishes i put behind this relationship because i feel like i cant have anything but the present.
i want the past, too. and the future, while im at it. but im not going to beg for it, especially if he is adament about not giving it to me.
i need to be more honest with myself. so here is an honest blog.
i feel accomplished but i also feel like shit.
